alterkrmn | Entries tagged with personal

It was another exhausting week at work. Again. But at least there’s one less thing on the to-do list: yesterday was the second APA 7 training session I led (along with a coworker). It was the most tedious thing in the world, but we got it done, and our team leads seemed really happy with the result.

On top of that, Tuesday and Wednesday were office days, something that’s always stressful and drains me both physically and mentally. Even though I’ve gotten better at masking and can use it to my advantage sometimes, it still takes a huge toll. For example, I’ve noticed how exhausting it is not being able to sit like a pretzel, or drink as much water as I need without having to run to the bathroom a million times, or take breaks exactly when I need them. Another thing that wears me out is the overstimulation (all the lights and the constant murmurs around me) but this time, I combined my Loops with my headphones, and that helped a lot with the noise.

This week was especially draining because of all the meetings. Having video calls in a coworking space is stressful with all the background noise.

Another fun detail this week? My commute ended up costing more because rainy season has officially started (yay!), which drives up fares (not yay!). So I wound up paying double for each trip, and my wallet is still screaming at me. But afternoon transport is a nightmare. I live on the other side of the city, and the bus stop has no shelter from the rain. Plus, I can’t risk getting my work laptop soaked, and I’m already lugging around a heavy backpack… so, obviously, I had to take Didi instead. Just a wonderful series of circumstances, as you can see.

Normally, I use Thursdays to recover and regroup… after office days, and I try to take it easy. But this time, I had that team project with my coworker, so no luck there. And then, Microsoft access decided to glitch, and by midday, my Teams and Outlook accounts were locked. That wasn’t even the worst part… apparently, even the IT guys didn’t know why it happened, and they took forever to fix it. Some of my coworkers in the same boat managed to sort it out throughout the day with "help" from the Authenticator app on their personal phones… but in my case, it just wouldn’t work, even after I (reluctantly) installed the damn thing, uninstalled it, reinstalled it, and eventually lost track of what I was doing. The IT guy asked for remote access to my computer via AnyDesk, which interrupted my work for hours… hours… and I still had to finish a stupid presentation for Friday. By the time his shift ended (at 9 pm!), he apologized for the trouble and asked if we could pick it up the next day (on Friday). I had to tell him yes, but only after the training session I was leading. He agreed and logged off, but I still had to keep working. And since I took a break to eat something and shower, I didn’t finish until 3 am on Friday. A complete nightmare.

After that, I immediately went to bed, only to wake up at 7 to jump on a call with my coworker and polish up the last details of the presentation. Then we delivered the training, and if it hadn’t been for the whole IT access mess still needing to be solved, I would’ve gone straight back to bed for the rest of the day… Finally, at 4 pm on Friday (28 hours later) IT managed to restore my Teams and Outlook access.

And, of course, I forgot to mention... on Thursday, the water heater broke, so I had to use an electric immersion coil and bathe with a bucket... Not that I mind that method, but heating the water takes way longer that way...

Of course I’m exhausted. I need a vacation…

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Yuri on Ice OST on repeat

On Saturday, I went to the apartment after at least a couple of months of not doing so. I went to check that everything was okay, that no one had broken in (even though I installed door and window protections back in January, which, somehow, gave me enough peace of mind to not go for a couple of months :upsidedown:), and to clean up, which is relatively easy because the place is small and has no furniture (except for a foldable camping chair).

I didn’t feel like the heat was extreme, but I do have to walk a little over two kilometers from the entrance of the residential complex to the apartment since I don’t have a car (nor do I know how to ride a bike, but even if I did, cycling would be risky because the fastest route is via the highway, and it’s about 40 kilometers, so… NO). So, I put on sunscreen, wore one of those long-sleeved shirts, a cap, and sunglasses. Have you seen some Asian girls going to the beach? I think I looked a bit like that.

Anyway, I stuck to the shade as much as possible and carried cold water to drink along the way.

When I got to the apartment, I rested for a bit before sweeping and mopping the floor.

Cleaning didn’t take too long, and then I set up the light bulbs. Now I have a list of things to buy and tasks to do for the next time I go. The first includes work gloves and some gardening tools; the second involves weeding the small backyard.

After cleaning, I took a break and drank more cold water. Then I got ready for the trip back, putting on the long-sleeved shirt, cap, and sunglasses again.

On the way out of the complex, I still stuck to the shade, but I could feel my body temperature rising (especially in my head).

By the time I reached the bus stop to head home, it was clear I was on the verge of heatstroke… and I still had to spend the next 45 minutes on a packed bus without A/C. My head was pounding, and I started feeling nauseous. It was awful.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been extremely sensitive to temperature changes, both heat and cold, but heat has more unpleasant and immediate effects. Plus, cold is easier to avoid or counter with layers or hot drinks, whereas with heat, it doesn’t matter if you’re naked, the heat still smothers you, and there’s no escaping the sweat… it’s horrible. That's why I try to avoid being exposed to high temperatures as much as possible.

When I was a kid and had to stand under the sun during the weekly Monday civic ceremonies, there were times I passed out from the heat. I don’t remember exactly when, but I’m guessing it was spring or summer. Then there’s the whole nosebleed thing… another thing my body does thanks to hot weather. Just beautiful (sarcasm).

Eventually, I made it home and went directly to the shower (not ice-cold, but cool enough to refresh me and help my body, whose thermostat clearly doesn’t work, regulate its temperature). I felt better almost immediately. I also drank water and electrolytes and rested in the living room because the bedroom (on the upper floor) is an oven this time of year and would’ve been counterproductive.

Once the nausea and headache started fading, I ordered food, and it was a good sign that my body didn’t reject it, because other times when I got heatstroke, I wasn’t so lucky, if you know what I mean…

I wanted to relax by watching something on TV, but even though my head didn’t hurt anymore, it still felt like it weighed a ton, and that it was filled with jelly. Not pleasant at all. The worst part was that it reminded me of my major breakdown in 2017. That breakdown led to my autism diagnosis, which has helped me make sense of so many things I didn’t understand about myself before, but I don’t recall anyone considering heatstroke as a factor.

Back then, I was going through one of the most stressful periods of my life because of work, family, and constant (unconscious) masking, but I collapsed on an afternoon when we went to a picnic and I spent time under the sun… I wonder if it’s worth bringing up with my psychiatrist at some point. I’m mentioning this because it scared me. The kid is at his grandparents’ place for the long weekend, and I’ve been alone at home since Thursday. I was afraid of having another breakdown, so I told my mom I wasn’t feeling well and that I’d let her know if it got worse. Fortunately, that was not necessary.

Later in the afternoon, I lay down in the bedroom with the fan on, windows open, wearing just shorts and a light tank top. I turned off the lights and rested. I couldn’t sleep. My body was still burning up, but little by little, I started feeling better. Every now and then, I checked my phone for mastodon notifications, which helped me stay grounded. And when my head didn’t feel as awful, I watched an episode of Yuri on Ice, which helped a little. I cried… partly because of the story (Katsuki’s anxiety and his sense of loneliness are painfully relatable) and partly because my body was finally starting to relax… Ugh.

Anyway, after that, I slept through the night, though it wasn’t the most restful sleep. Still, it definitely helped my head. Yesterday, I woke up feeling better, but the effects hadn’t completely faded. And it’s a little sad to realize that after the big 2017 crisis (sorry for the inconsistency in naming it, one of these days, I’ll give it a proper title), every time somehting like this happens to my brain, it takes me longer to recover. Sometimes I’m afraid that one day, I won’t recover at all, and that terrifies me. I’m scared of losing my autonomy, of losing my (already diminished) ability to do things I enjoy, like reading, listening to music, learning things, or watching shows. In 2017, I spent months unable to do any of those things, barely managing simple tasks. It was horrible. And even though I try to take care of myself as much as possible, this weekend reminded me of what happened right before that incident (crisis, breakdown), leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable.

Today, I feel better… and apparently, I needed to get all of that off my chest.

Today, I have to work. Today, I have to keep going.

Last week, I went to the bank to make a payment. It’s the bank that issues the cards used for Ticketmaster presales here in Mexico. It never would’ve crossed my mind to open an account if it weren’t for the payment, lol, but I did it anyway. I opened a debit account, thinking I’d buy the cheapest ticket available for The Heartkillers' fanmeeting. But when I opened the account, the woman helping me asked if I had a credit card, and when I said no, she offered to check if I could be approved for one from that bank. In the end, they approved me. It was a bit of a shock because just last year, my credit history finally cleared up after the 2017 fiasco (when autistic burnout left me unable to work or pay off the few small debts I had at the time, which ruined my record).

Anyway, yesterday was the ticket presale, and I managed to get one in a good spot, close to the stage. I couldn’t get a VIP ticket because apparently, there were some issues with the sale, but I’m not sad or disappointed about it. First, because my budget is tight, and I’ve honestly never spent that much money on something I don’t consider essential. Every time I buy something over 1000 pesos (around 50 USD) that isn’t food, clothes for the kid, or a necessity, I feel massive guilt. Second, because my expectations for anything that mostly depends on luck (and even things that don’t) are almost always nonexistent... which, by default, keeps me prepared for disappointment. (I know, I know… it sounds a little depressing, but it works for me, and I usually end up satisfied or at least content because my expectations aren’t sky-high. Doesn’t apply to relationships, though, lol. In that case, it’s the complete opposite. Oops.)

Anyway, I’ve got my ticket, and now I need to book a hotel. I’m also thinking about making freebies to bring along. I’m trying to learn how things work at these kinds of events since this will be my first time attending something like this.

Of course, the brain worms have already started whispering, asking if it’s ridiculous for me to go, considering I’m not as young as most of the other attendees (including the actors themselves), or reminding me that I’ve never been the type to show enthusiasm in super visible ways (like screaming). But I’m trying not to let them ruin the experience for me. I’m working on ditching the internalized ageism too, but honestly, having a non-internet friend or acquaitance to go with would probably help with the anxiety.

Then again, if I end up regretting it or if anxiety and insecurity win, I can always resell the ticket, I guess.

So... a couple of weeks ago, there was a rumor about a fanmeeting for Thai actors happening in the US, and Mexican fans started losing their (our) minds because apparently, the same thing happened when the company that brings fanmeetings to Mexico announced the GeminiFourth fanmeeting.

The rumor didn't last long... maybe a day or two. Then we got the news: The Heartkillers actors will come to New York and Mexico City in July for fanmeetings. There's one problem though. To buy tickets early (the presale for Mexico City starts next Thursday), you need a card from one special bank and I don't have one. The regular ticket sale starts Friday. That's okay for me, but I was hoping to try for VIP tickets. Since two popular couples are coming this time, I think all the best tickets will sell very fast... *sigh*

I’m not a concert person, and I rarely go to events because of money (the gods know I’m fucking struggling to make ends meet :) ) and some sensory issues. But if you’ve read my post about my obsession with The Heartkillers these past few months, you can probably guess that I want to go. I really want to go. I’d love to get a picture with Khaotung, First, Joong, and Dunk... though I’m not sure if that’ll happen. Still, I’d be happy just being there.

Anyway, these past 10 days (okay, it hasn’t even been two weeks, lol) I’ve learned a lot about how people act at fanmeetings here, and I’ve decided I’m going to make some freebies (maybe some stickers, I still don't know) to give out when I go (yes, I’m assuming I will go, hahaha). And I really hope I can make some Spanish-speaking fandom friends.

There are things that make me nervous, though. Like my age: most people I follow are in their twenties (I'm sure there are people my age out there, but I haven't found them yet). Or the fact that I’m the most awkward person I know. Or that I’ve spent most of my fandom life in English-speaking spaces, so sometimes I just don’t get certain jokes or terms in Spanish. And finally, the fact that it will be my first time going to an event of this kind.

Anyway, we’ll see if I make it. Pray for me, I guess.

It was not a regular week.

I went back to the gym and thought about the privilege of being able-bodied despite my relationship with the inexplicable pain dthat sometimes attacks me. I enjoy when my body moves and when I can feel my muscles while doing certain exercise. Before, I didn't like the treadmill, but this past week I discovered I can read while on it and I resumed reading Global Examination, which is very good because I really want to know what happens.

I also tried to do some embroidery as an experiment for an event I saw here. But I ended up not liking the result for the purpose it was supposed to serve, so I'm going to see it as practice and move on. I'm a bit sad but now I'm gonna try to make something different and see if it works. I've been thinking about making something with Mei Changsu or Fan Xian. We'll see.

And after finishing with Nirvana in Fire, I'm watching Joy of Life S2 before starting NiF2, since I don't think I can manage two dramas with court intrigue plots, because I think this new season from JoL is definitely more complicated (I'm not sure that's the word I'm looking for) than the first one, or at least it feels that way to me. I'm still enjoying it a lot because it's just the kind of story I like (and not just because Zhang Ruoyun's likeable face).

But I'm also craving some japanese BL, so maybe I'm gonna do that... I have many items in my PTW to choose from.

Meanwhile, in Latam, we have a second season of Betty, La Fea and it seems everyone and their grandma (outside the internet, that is my colleagues, friends, and maybe family) is watching it now. I don't think I'm gonna watch it, tho. I'm just gonna see the memes.

Another thing that happened is that today I bought another notebook to use it like a diary/journal and try to write the things I can't tell anyone, not even my therapist. I'm gonna keep trying to write here the stuff I can post on the internet, tho.

I haven't made progress in my HTML & CSS course since I haven't spent much time on the laptop. And I need to go back to the japanese lessons on the plataform too. I just... I think I have a tendency of putting to much on my plate... always. I just can't seem to be able to stop because if I stop I get bored. And the brain doesn't likes being bored. But I was busy and that's good.

Anyway, let's see what this week has in store for me.

It's been an intense couple of weeks, between work, family and being a "functional adult."

I didn't have the time or energy to do much, really. I had to catch up with work, which can feel very difficult at times since we've been dealing with a very weird workload because our "leadership" thinks that: a) we're machines and we don't get tired or need breaks (which is ridiculous because even machines need breaks...) or b) the work days hours are twice as much as they really are.

Despite it all, I did finish watching Nirvana in Fire at some point last weekend, because I refuse to work on weekends if I don't get paid to do it. I loved the show and I can't stop thinking about rewatching it at some point. But maybe not too soon.

Now I'm back and reading Global Examination and watching Joy of Life 2.

I also started emboidering something because I miss doing it, I enjoy it a lot and I miss giving emboidered thingies to the people I care about. I'd love to show some WIP, but it's a secret and if it turns out well, it's going to be a gift for a certain something in the next few days.

I have many thoughts about many things and I finally feel like I have enough energy to write again.

I think I need to expand my reading list here but but I'm extremely shy and sometimes it's a bit scary. I am more comfortable using this place to write my thoughts but the social part is a bit difficult everywhere, so... yeah

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Carm's corner

Trying this journaling thing again after two decades

What a week...

Heatstroke and fear

Fanmeeting update

Fanmeetings (and anxiety)

This (past) week

Coming back...

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December 2025

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