Carm's corner

On Saturday, I went to the apartment after at least a couple of months of not doing so. I went to check that everything was okay, that no one had broken in (even though I installed door and window protections back in January, which, somehow, gave me enough peace of mind to not go for a couple of months :upsidedown:), and to clean up, which is relatively easy because the place is small and has no furniture (except for a foldable camping chair).

I didn’t feel like the heat was extreme, but I do have to walk a little over two kilometers from the entrance of the residential complex to the apartment since I don’t have a car (nor do I know how to ride a bike, but even if I did, cycling would be risky because the fastest route is via the highway, and it’s about 40 kilometers, so… NO). So, I put on sunscreen, wore one of those long-sleeved shirts, a cap, and sunglasses. Have you seen some Asian girls going to the beach? I think I looked a bit like that.

Anyway, I stuck to the shade as much as possible and carried cold water to drink along the way.

When I got to the apartment, I rested for a bit before sweeping and mopping the floor.

Cleaning didn’t take too long, and then I set up the light bulbs. Now I have a list of things to buy and tasks to do for the next time I go. The first includes work gloves and some gardening tools; the second involves weeding the small backyard.

After cleaning, I took a break and drank more cold water. Then I got ready for the trip back, putting on the long-sleeved shirt, cap, and sunglasses again.

On the way out of the complex, I still stuck to the shade, but I could feel my body temperature rising (especially in my head).

By the time I reached the bus stop to head home, it was clear I was on the verge of heatstroke… and I still had to spend the next 45 minutes on a packed bus without A/C. My head was pounding, and I started feeling nauseous. It was awful.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been extremely sensitive to temperature changes, both heat and cold, but heat has more unpleasant and immediate effects. Plus, cold is easier to avoid or counter with layers or hot drinks, whereas with heat, it doesn’t matter if you’re naked, the heat still smothers you, and there’s no escaping the sweat… it’s horrible. That's why I try to avoid being exposed to high temperatures as much as possible.

When I was a kid and had to stand under the sun during the weekly Monday civic ceremonies, there were times I passed out from the heat. I don’t remember exactly when, but I’m guessing it was spring or summer. Then there’s the whole nosebleed thing… another thing my body does thanks to hot weather. Just beautiful (sarcasm).

Eventually, I made it home and went directly to the shower (not ice-cold, but cool enough to refresh me and help my body, whose thermostat clearly doesn’t work, regulate its temperature). I felt better almost immediately. I also drank water and electrolytes and rested in the living room because the bedroom (on the upper floor) is an oven this time of year and would’ve been counterproductive.

Once the nausea and headache started fading, I ordered food, and it was a good sign that my body didn’t reject it, because other times when I got heatstroke, I wasn’t so lucky, if you know what I mean…

I wanted to relax by watching something on TV, but even though my head didn’t hurt anymore, it still felt like it weighed a ton, and that it was filled with jelly. Not pleasant at all. The worst part was that it reminded me of my major breakdown in 2017. That breakdown led to my autism diagnosis, which has helped me make sense of so many things I didn’t understand about myself before, but I don’t recall anyone considering heatstroke as a factor.

Back then, I was going through one of the most stressful periods of my life because of work, family, and constant (unconscious) masking, but I collapsed on an afternoon when we went to a picnic and I spent time under the sun… I wonder if it’s worth bringing up with my psychiatrist at some point. I’m mentioning this because it scared me. The kid is at his grandparents’ place for the long weekend, and I’ve been alone at home since Thursday. I was afraid of having another breakdown, so I told my mom I wasn’t feeling well and that I’d let her know if it got worse. Fortunately, that was not necessary.

Later in the afternoon, I lay down in the bedroom with the fan on, windows open, wearing just shorts and a light tank top. I turned off the lights and rested. I couldn’t sleep. My body was still burning up, but little by little, I started feeling better. Every now and then, I checked my phone for mastodon notifications, which helped me stay grounded. And when my head didn’t feel as awful, I watched an episode of Yuri on Ice, which helped a little. I cried… partly because of the story (Katsuki’s anxiety and his sense of loneliness are painfully relatable) and partly because my body was finally starting to relax… Ugh.

Anyway, after that, I slept through the night, though it wasn’t the most restful sleep. Still, it definitely helped my head. Yesterday, I woke up feeling better, but the effects hadn’t completely faded. And it’s a little sad to realize that after the big 2017 crisis (sorry for the inconsistency in naming it, one of these days, I’ll give it a proper title), every time somehting like this happens to my brain, it takes me longer to recover. Sometimes I’m afraid that one day, I won’t recover at all, and that terrifies me. I’m scared of losing my autonomy, of losing my (already diminished) ability to do things I enjoy, like reading, listening to music, learning things, or watching shows. In 2017, I spent months unable to do any of those things, barely managing simple tasks. It was horrible. And even though I try to take care of myself as much as possible, this weekend reminded me of what happened right before that incident (crisis, breakdown), leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable.

Today, I feel better… and apparently, I needed to get all of that off my chest.

Today, I have to work. Today, I have to keep going.

So... a couple of weeks ago, there was a rumor about a fanmeeting for Thai actors happening in the US, and Mexican fans started losing their (our) minds because apparently, the same thing happened when the company that brings fanmeetings to Mexico announced the GeminiFourth fanmeeting.

The rumor didn't last long... maybe a day or two. Then we got the news: The Heartkillers actors will come to New York and Mexico City in July for fanmeetings. There's one problem though. To buy tickets early (the presale for Mexico City starts next Thursday), you need a card from one special bank and I don't have one. The regular ticket sale starts Friday. That's okay for me, but I was hoping to try for VIP tickets. Since two popular couples are coming this time, I think all the best tickets will sell very fast... *sigh*

I’m not a concert person, and I rarely go to events because of money (the gods know I’m fucking struggling to make ends meet :) ) and some sensory issues. But if you’ve read my post about my obsession with The Heartkillers these past few months, you can probably guess that I want to go. I really want to go. I’d love to get a picture with Khaotung, First, Joong, and Dunk... though I’m not sure if that’ll happen. Still, I’d be happy just being there.

Anyway, these past 10 days (okay, it hasn’t even been two weeks, lol) I’ve learned a lot about how people act at fanmeetings here, and I’ve decided I’m going to make some freebies (maybe some stickers, I still don't know) to give out when I go (yes, I’m assuming I will go, hahaha). And I really hope I can make some Spanish-speaking fandom friends.

There are things that make me nervous, though. Like my age: most people I follow are in their twenties (I'm sure there are people my age out there, but I haven't found them yet). Or the fact that I’m the most awkward person I know. Or that I’ve spent most of my fandom life in English-speaking spaces, so sometimes I just don’t get certain jokes or terms in Spanish. And finally, the fact that it will be my first time going to an event of this kind.

Anyway, we’ll see if I make it. Pray for me, I guess.

Regarding shows, after finishing The Sign and being obsessed with it to the point of dreaming about it and waking up in the middle of the night to write down the ideas, I started rewatching it for writing fic purposes, because I am still obsessed. It just has so many gaps and a finale unsatisfaying enough (but not to the point of making me hate it) that make it perfect for fic...

Then I finished watching Unknown. I liked it and it made me curious about the novel (Dage, by Priest) because every time I watch something adapted from a novel or a comic, I like to know the source material and, in this case, I want to know if the novel explores some aspects in a deeper way. I found there's a fan translation but the wway of getting it is asking the translator via email and I don't know them, so it gives me a bit of anxiety to do that.

After that, I watched the mexican series Nadie nos va a extrañar and even wrote a post about it. It's one of those shows I watch and think they're just fine, nothing extraordinary, but days after watching it, I keep thinking about it and realize maybe I liked it a bit more than I initially thought.

After that, I kinda stopped rewatching The Sign, not because I got bored, but because I've been tired. I think it's because my mom stopped helping making food for me and the kid and now I have to cook. I love cooking but it's very time and energy consuming. Sometimes I just want to eat instant noodles and empanadas, tortas or memelas, but I have to provide the kid with healthy food so... yeah. And making food is definitely cheaper than buying it. I use so many spoons, though.

But my brain gets bored easily and I tried watching Love is a poison, but it turns out Netflix Mx only has the first five episodes and I don't know when the rest will be available and looking for places to watch stuff outside the official platforms requires me to open my laptop, something I haven't done in a while either, until now. So I just started watching Kidnap, but then got a bit distracted and haven't watched the rest. But at least now it's finished and can watch it without having to wait for the episodes to be available, but I don't know if I'm in the mood for that show right now. I have to try and see.

And just last night I watched the first episode of the Thai drama The Heartkillers, starring Khaotung Thanawat and First Kanaphan. I decided to give it a try because I watched the music video, shared by someone on fedi, and I thought it looked fun. It was fun, but it's gonna be a once a week thing, which I think it's fine for my brain right now. The thing is that it's probable my brain will get bored at some point and I will want to watch something while I wait until next Wednesday.

I've missed a lot of things here, but I'm back. Kinda. Hopefully. I will try.
 

Books and sadness

Now that I finished reading The Sign, I can continue reading Global Examination. And it's such a fun book. Qin Jiu and You Huo amuse me a lot.

I was also going through the list of books I've read this year and I'm a little depressed by the fact that there are so few. And it makes me a little jealous too seeing people read one book after another.

I make a living out of reading all day every day, but it feels soulless, mechanic... And even though I learn a lot about different subjects, it isn't a joyous activity at all.

I try to tell myself that this is not a competition, that it doesn't matter that everyone reads so much interesting stuff, not only books, but also articles, short stories... but at some point my brain just refuses to read. It is easier to watch something, to listen to music...

Maybe, if numbers were all that mattered, I could count every course I read and edit as a book on my list, lol. But that's not the point.

I can't even join reading challenges anymore... it's just a lot and, honestly, I have a lot on my plate all the time, ha. And at the beginning of this year I left a book club with a group of friends and acquaintances from outside the internet because honestly the level of discussion was not what I expected and the selection of books was not to my liking.

Sharing my thoughts about the novels I read on fedi has worked, but I always feel like I could do more, read more instead of watching a show, but we circle back to the exhaustion and my brain refusing to cooperate. Sometimes I miss being young and being a voracious reader. But life happens, I guess.

My goal for this year is finishing Global Examination and maybe one more novel.

Now is time to go to bed, being warm and maybe dream about the fic I started writing at some point when I started watching The Sign. That is exciting. Hehe.
 

I started attending japanese classes last year and it makes me happy. I really love learning languages. And even though I'm going slowly, I feel like I am doing fine. I had to pause my classes this ummer because they didn't open a group for the third level but also because after some awful homophobic and transphobic comments the professor made, I decided I didn't want to stay there. So I looked up everywhere else. I am enrolling in a different school this fall. There, they also offer conversation practice, kanji classes, and some other activities like karaoke evenings (in japanese, obviously). It makes me excited.

Mandarin

I would be lying if I said reading danmei and watching cdramas didn't influence my decision of wanting to learn mandarin, because it did. But it goes beyond that. I wish I had the oportunity to learn many languages when I was younger, but back then my resources were a lot more limited. I just had access to english lessons and I've never been a self-taught person, to this day, I always feel like I need the guide of a teacher for some stuff, at least for a while.

So, it really wasn't an impulsive decision. I thought about it for months, researching the different options I had and last week I finally decided to enroll for Mandarin classes. Starting next month. I think I can do it. And I know it's not going to be quick, but the fact that now I can pay myself for the things I want, it's very satisfying. Let's see if my brain doesn't break. I hope it doesn't.

Thai

I couldn't find in person or online Thai classes here (in my city/country)... so I looked for any kind of lessons. I ended up subscribing to Lingodeer for almost half a year, but I didn't feel like it worked for me. I also enrolled in a MOOC offered by the Thailand Foundation but I really don't learn watching videos, I get easily distracted and have to repeat them at least three times because I almost always end up spacing out at some point. I decided to pause the Lingodeer subscription because right now I need to save as much as possible, but I plan to at least finish the MOOC. I hope I can find different resources at some point because I really like Thai and want to learn it. Although I don't have a specific goal, it's nice to recognize some words in the dramas.

----

Sometimes I fantasize about just dedicating my life to learn as many languages as possible... unfortunately, I have to work to survive and that doesn't leave me the time to do it. And also... money is limited an there are other priorities like... eating and paying bills, and all that stuff.






 

Last year I also enrolled in Japanese classes. I took two levels at the language faculty of the local university, in the courses they offer for the public. And I learned, but I ended up not liking the teacher after he made a couple of homophobic and transphobic comments and at least two classmated agreed with him. And he's the only teacher for the first five levels, so I decided to look up a different school. I couldn't enroll for the summer classes because I took an instructional design workshop and an H5P workshop and it would have been too much. But I'm going to enroll in fall classes and keep learning in that other school. It's actually one of the others in my city listed in the Japanese Embassy webpage... 

Meanwhile, I have been practicing on the Japan Foundation platform and duolingo. I ... don't love duolingo except for the kanji practices and that it's mobile friendly. I am trying to explore different apps but sometimes I just don't like the UI... I'm very picky about that and it isn't always rational, sometimes it's just not the most comfortable for me and different apps offer differnt things... yeah, I know it's obvious but those things aren't always for everyone and it's necessary to try them to know what works for me and what doesn't.

I haven't talked a lot about my journey like I did in the beginning because I feel like right now I'm just practicing and not making much progress... but I'm sure that as soon I resume the formal lessons I'm going to start talking more actively about it.
 

Back in the day, in one of my jobs, I briefly had to update the website and used Dreamweaver to do it, I learned a bit of html and I liked it but I didn't last enough in that job to keep learning and then I had a lot of things... but the interest has been there for a while and I wanted to get back to it.

I know it's the adhd looking for the next shiny thing and we'll see if it sticks... But I like seeing things appear on the screen when I tell the computer what to do, heh.

But in the last two years I have been learning to let go of control and one very simple thing I can apply it to is that: not letting a typo bother me to the point of obsessing over it. When I work, I cannot do that, but no one is going to judge me for having a couple of typos on a social media post... and if they do... well, unless I see them talking about it, it doesn't affect me.

I still try to avoid them but sometimes I am just too fucking tired after reading all day and my eyes don't even register them anymore. Only when someone replies or interacts with my posts do I read them again and discover the antics of Titivillus who, like a good devil (I think of Crowley, from Good Omens), has evolved along with us humans...

But now I just let the typos exist. And that's fine... I guess. I definitely won't try to edit this post later if I find typos.