Heatstroke and fear

On Saturday, I went to the apartment after at least a couple of months of not doing so. I went to check that everything was okay, that no one had broken in (even though I installed door and window protections back in January, which, somehow, gave me enough peace of mind to not go for a couple of months :upsidedown:), and to clean up, which is relatively easy because the place is small and has no furniture (except for a foldable camping chair).

I didn’t feel like the heat was extreme, but I do have to walk a little over two kilometers from the entrance of the residential complex to the apartment since I don’t have a car (nor do I know how to ride a bike, but even if I did, cycling would be risky because the fastest route is via the highway, and it’s about 40 kilometers, so… NO). So, I put on sunscreen, wore one of those long-sleeved shirts, a cap, and sunglasses. Have you seen some Asian girls going to the beach? I think I looked a bit like that.

Anyway, I stuck to the shade as much as possible and carried cold water to drink along the way.

When I got to the apartment, I rested for a bit before sweeping and mopping the floor.

Cleaning didn’t take too long, and then I set up the light bulbs. Now I have a list of things to buy and tasks to do for the next time I go. The first includes work gloves and some gardening tools; the second involves weeding the small backyard.

After cleaning, I took a break and drank more cold water. Then I got ready for the trip back, putting on the long-sleeved shirt, cap, and sunglasses again.

On the way out of the complex, I still stuck to the shade, but I could feel my body temperature rising (especially in my head).

By the time I reached the bus stop to head home, it was clear I was on the verge of heatstroke… and I still had to spend the next 45 minutes on a packed bus without A/C. My head was pounding, and I started feeling nauseous. It was awful.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been extremely sensitive to temperature changes, both heat and cold, but heat has more unpleasant and immediate effects. Plus, cold is easier to avoid or counter with layers or hot drinks, whereas with heat, it doesn’t matter if you’re naked, the heat still smothers you, and there’s no escaping the sweat… it’s horrible. That's why I try to avoid being exposed to high temperatures as much as possible.

When I was a kid and had to stand under the sun during the weekly Monday civic ceremonies, there were times I passed out from the heat. I don’t remember exactly when, but I’m guessing it was spring or summer. Then there’s the whole nosebleed thing… another thing my body does thanks to hot weather. Just beautiful (sarcasm).

Eventually, I made it home and went directly to the shower (not ice-cold, but cool enough to refresh me and help my body, whose thermostat clearly doesn’t work, regulate its temperature). I felt better almost immediately. I also drank water and electrolytes and rested in the living room because the bedroom (on the upper floor) is an oven this time of year and would’ve been counterproductive.

Once the nausea and headache started fading, I ordered food, and it was a good sign that my body didn’t reject it, because other times when I got heatstroke, I wasn’t so lucky, if you know what I mean…

I wanted to relax by watching something on TV, but even though my head didn’t hurt anymore, it still felt like it weighed a ton, and that it was filled with jelly. Not pleasant at all. The worst part was that it reminded me of my major breakdown in 2017. That breakdown led to my autism diagnosis, which has helped me make sense of so many things I didn’t understand about myself before, but I don’t recall anyone considering heatstroke as a factor.

Back then, I was going through one of the most stressful periods of my life because of work, family, and constant (unconscious) masking, but I collapsed on an afternoon when we went to a picnic and I spent time under the sun… I wonder if it’s worth bringing up with my psychiatrist at some point. I’m mentioning this because it scared me. The kid is at his grandparents’ place for the long weekend, and I’ve been alone at home since Thursday. I was afraid of having another breakdown, so I told my mom I wasn’t feeling well and that I’d let her know if it got worse. Fortunately, that was not necessary.

Later in the afternoon, I lay down in the bedroom with the fan on, windows open, wearing just shorts and a light tank top. I turned off the lights and rested. I couldn’t sleep. My body was still burning up, but little by little, I started feeling better. Every now and then, I checked my phone for mastodon notifications, which helped me stay grounded. And when my head didn’t feel as awful, I watched an episode of Yuri on Ice, which helped a little. I cried… partly because of the story (Katsuki’s anxiety and his sense of loneliness are painfully relatable) and partly because my body was finally starting to relax… Ugh.

Anyway, after that, I slept through the night, though it wasn’t the most restful sleep. Still, it definitely helped my head. Yesterday, I woke up feeling better, but the effects hadn’t completely faded. And it’s a little sad to realize that after the big 2017 crisis (sorry for the inconsistency in naming it, one of these days, I’ll give it a proper title), every time somehting like this happens to my brain, it takes me longer to recover. Sometimes I’m afraid that one day, I won’t recover at all, and that terrifies me. I’m scared of losing my autonomy, of losing my (already diminished) ability to do things I enjoy, like reading, listening to music, learning things, or watching shows. In 2017, I spent months unable to do any of those things, barely managing simple tasks. It was horrible. And even though I try to take care of myself as much as possible, this weekend reminded me of what happened right before that incident (crisis, breakdown), leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable.

Today, I feel better… and apparently, I needed to get all of that off my chest.

Today, I have to work. Today, I have to keep going.

(no subject)

Yuri on Ice

On Friday before last Friday, I decided to start watching Yuri on Ice. I would’ve finished it that weekend, but I caught up on some of the other series I’m watching… the currently airing ones with weekly episodes. Still, since the episodes are short (just how I like them), I really couldn’t resist and ended up finishing it last Wednesday, taking advantage of the fact that Thursday was an official day off (May 1st, Labor Day). A few days later (I think last Friday), I couldn’t help myself and started rewatching it.

As I mentioned last week in my weekly update, I loved the opening from the very first moment… and today, after not skipping it even once, I still adore it. The music, the animation, the colors… I love everything about it, and I find it really soothing. I’ve listened to the song so many times this week, so, so many. My brain loves it, but beyond that, I like it because in my head, I can see the animation. It’s a really pleasant stim. But more than how much I love the opening, the story made me feel so many things. As an extremely anxious person who tends toward solitude, Yuuri Katsuki felt very relatable. One part that really moved me was when he competed in Japan with his free program, choreographed by Viktor, set to music made specifically for that routine… and how he gradually gained confidence in himself, while also realizing he was never truly alone, that he’s always had the support of people who care about him. Just writing this now makes me feel emotional again ToT

I also loved Yuri Plisetski (Yurio or Yuri 二, as I called him before Mari decided having two Yuris would be confusing and came up with the nickname). He reminds me of the kid.

Occasionally, usually during the Olympics, I end up watching figure skating competitions, but I wouldn’t call myself a fan, and I know very little about it. I just enjoy appreciating the performance and the beauty of the sport (and the athletes), so the little explanations in the anime were both helpful and funny (especially since they were given by Yuuri or other characters in their chibi versions). Something funny is that the competitions actually made me nervous, hahaha. That part was entertaining. I also really liked the ending… I don’t know, it left me with a warm feeling in my heart (well, my brain, but you get it… figures of speech, ha).

I’m really glad I gave myself the chance to watch this series and appreciate how beautiful it is. And discovering it late has its pros and cons. On the plus side, at least I already knew the movie was canceled, so I didn’t have any expectations about it, though it is sad… really sad. It would’ve been interesting to see more of that universe… On the other hand, a downside is that I looked for the Select Book, and since it’s sold out, the available (used) copies are pretty expensive (for my standards)… So, yeah… 

Anyway, I think it’s officially joined my list of comfort shows. And I might rewatch it again (and again, and again) later, depending on my mood. Also, now I need to read fanfic about them. I need them. So, If you happen to read this post and have any recs, please drop some for me, pleaaase.

I have an idea for a fanart project, but until I actually start, I won’t say anything… because sometimes I just never get around to it, and it all stays as good intentions, hahaha. By the way, if anyone wants to be my accountability buddy for this, I’d really appreciate it...

Something I’ve realized is that sometimes the genre of the shows I watch doesn’t matter much, as long as the story is interesting… (I say this because now I’m considering watching more sports anime, ahahaha).

Oh, and I think I’ll try doing separate posts for shows that make me write over 200 words when I finish them and then add the link to the weekly updates post, but no promises, because time and my very useful brain don’t always let me do what I want, and sometimes I just don’t find the words.